Equanimity?
A few years into my career as a product manager, I received a performance review that left me scratching my head. In the review I was praised for my 'equanimity', a term I was barely familiar with prior to joining this company that included it as a core cultural value. Like most of this company's values, 'equanimity' had been appropriated from Buddhism, and was described as "a fundamental okayness with things as they are." Yet at the point when I received this praise in my review, I was the furthest from okay. I was struggling to feel alignment in my role, I was overwhelmed by the demands on me as full-time working parent of two young kids, and I was deep into work with a therapist and a coach to avoid heading into complete burnout. So what was I missing?
What I've learned in the following years is that what was mistaken for equanimity in my job was actually my ability to mask my emotional state. I was good, probably great, at appearing calm among the swirl and chaos of my role. Throw a complex product problem at me with extremely high expectations and few resources to solve it, no problem. Send me into a political environment with stakeholders that could never agree, I'll be building consensus with a smile on my face. Despite the increased challenge I faced as my leadership scope expanded, I somehow held it together at work. But the truth was, there was a cost to my masking. That cost was my mental and physical health.
In the last few months, a number of my clients have shared similar stories. They are great at holding it together during the storm. And they also are noticing the costs of doing so. What I have learned on my own journey, and what I have helped my clients learn, is that developing equanimity is not about suppressing our emotions. When we experience stress, uncertainty, doubt, frustration, we need a release valve for it. You don't have to yell at your boss or rage quit, but you might want to find a safe space to process your anger and set clear boundaries.
The path to equanimity requires us to feel our feelings, to fully experience them and make space to metabolize them. And only through that process can we begin to be okay. We begin to be okay when we see that our emotions are always in flux. We are okay when we are sad. We are okay when we are angry. We are okay with our emotions, not in spite of them. Are you okay?
Go further:
Read about the Buddhist approach to equanimity here: Equanimity (Insight Meditation Center)
This newsletter was partially inspired by conversations calling into question the idea of professionalism as a universal standard. Read: The Bias of ‘Professionalism’ Standards (Stanford Social Innovation Review).
💌 Want to receive regular posts like this in your inbox? Subscribe to my newsletter.
